When I was about fourteen I went on a school trip to Outward Bound. For some reason I clearly remember seeing a single magpie flying across a field from the coach window. I can still picture it vividly. I didn't know about the supistition then, but when we arrived we were split into groups and I was miserably resigned away from my two friends who were put together, and I into a group of people from my school but who I didn't know. I was extremely shy and having to bunk, bond and team build 24/7 with people I felt were strangers terrified and upset me so much I ended up crying down the pay phone to my mum. My poor mum who was the other side of the country and couldn't done a thing, sorry mum I know I must have upset you a lot; I have always felt guilty.
I feel like I am good at that; upsetting people then feeling the "shoulds" and the feeling guilty. In fact I seem to have spent a lot of time beating myself up over the years for things I really couldn't help. Inner peace really isn't my thing I suppose.
The other day I twice saw a single magpie and the tradition of saluting them to ward off bad luck has stayed with me for over ten years. I had pushed hard that day; up early doing jobs and then riding and whilst I was there I also had been receiving emails regrading various health appointments and arrangements. None of these were of a particularly pleasant nature; rearrangement of my next chemo around the Easter bank holiday, my latest cortisol results showing that the dose of inhibitor I am on is not having very much effect and upping the dose and of course the ensuing debacle with getting a prescription for it at the local pharmacy between the Norfolk health service and my consultant.
Long story short I end up very tired and stressed out about the prospect of none of my drug treatment working and the cushings being out of control that in the end I break down and sob over my complete lack of control over anything. My husband as usual carries the brunt of this upset and then follows my guilt and further upset: a big viscious circle of badness. Wow writing that as a short version imagine if I'd written the long one!!!
In the end I somehow find myself reading link someone sent me a week or two back but I never got round to looking at properly. It is the website of a girl named Tami and her story of terminal cancer. I'm not sure what kind she has but she has been fighting for about seven years now and far out lived what her drs predicted. Before I go any further I am not telling this story because of that fact, her story is and inevitably will be completely different from mine. What struck me is that she has been living with this for so long, fighting and never giving up. She openly admits in her very first paragraph that for a while she took the website down because she couldn't deal with the pressure at that point and why should she? Celebrities choose their life in societies focus and despite that choice and the money to protect themselves still habitually break under pressure so it would be insane to think someone like me or Tami could ever be the perfect positive role model.
Although I knew this and god knows my husband and family have told me enough times for some reason it struck a chord to be told I don't have to be perfect by someone in the same situation. I am surrounded by beautiful kind hearted and loving people. I have many medical professionals in charge of my care. All will tell me the same thing. This is not easy, I will have off days etc etc and that finding some peace with it and myself is the only way to enjoy life on a day to day basis. But not one of those people no matter how much they have read or watched have ever had to deal with it themselves and by that I mean feel it. Been told the things I have, been through the chemo, been shown the beautiful wonderful world with new eyes only to have it ripped from them by in controllable stupid stupid tumours. Sorry but it's true. Somehow Tami gave me permission to look at things a little differently and encourage me to stop fighting in a sense. By that I don't mean give up on life but instead of carrying around anger and hurt to start looking for an outlet and replace them with other things. To search out inner peace whatever that might be.
I'm not exactly sure how to start that mission but I am currently going with the idea that I have permission to make mistakes and to try and forgive myself for them. I am also trying to relax. A lot easier said than done for me. Even today I ran round mentally trying to get things done and before I sat to write this I was scrubbing the cooker and it's gone nine at night so maybe I'm not doing to well. But then rule one was to allow mistakes and to forgive them. So in recognising that fact I'm signing off and going to chill before I go to sleep. Goodnight all.