Thank you for visiting, I hope you will find this blog of my journey both interesting and inspiring.

Friday, 6 January 2012

The Dark Side of the Moon

This blog title is intended to reflect how I’ve felt in the time after all the hype of the holidays and wedding.
The moon rotates at a rate that keeps one side permanently faced away from the earth and is hence often referred to as its dark side. The moon and particularly this ‘dark’ side of it is renowned in folk law to be associated with insanity. It was also famously used by the band Pink Floyd as an album name, the subject of which is about losing one’s mind.

It is an understatement to say that trying to fit back into a ‘normal’ routine and life has been hard, in fact in many ways I have reached a new stage of grief over my diagnosis. Grief is said to have seven stages; the first of which is shock and denial and this I think I definitely covered by taking off to Mexico within a fortnight. However after this come pain, guilt, anger and depression – I have found these now.

Pain rolls over me in waves especially at night, terror over the future and a huge sense of loss for things I will never have no matter what, children for example. I feel guilt at the pain I am causing and will cause the people I love. I feel like I have let them down, that I am broken, a failure and it would have been better had I let my previous depression (Jan 2010) beat me or better still that I’d never existed at all.

At times I am angry, so angry! The frustration builds and I lash out randomly, breaking treasured possessions, yelling at people and even hurting myself. I have split my knuckles punching glass and scratched my face; causing myself further pain and guilt at my lack of control beginning a very dangerous downward spiral into depression. I start to feel suicidal and consider an ‘easy’ way out. All in all I feel insane; I am losing my mind to grief.

The important thing is I don’t. For all my insanity I continue to have flashes of optimism, of hope, and of realisation of just how good my life is right now; in this moment. I am married to a truly amazing man, I have a home and a dog I love, I am riding some beautiful horses and lots of people around me are both patiently putting up with my behaviour and making a real effort to give me every opportunity at living to the full. I truly and utterly love them for this. In case anyone is worried I have taken measures to receive help coping with my diagnosis and am working through my grief. However I really want to emphasise that having a terminal disease is like the moon. I now have the freedom to be myself, to shine so brightly and reflect the light and love of others but it comes with a price, a dark even deeply black side.


  1. A very brave and honest account of what you are going through right now Vicky. I for one cannot imagine how you must feel in your times of darkness and wish there was something more I could do to help. For the times when you are embracing the brightness and life here and now good on you! Keep that strength my lovely and those of us lucky enough to know and spend time with you will be doing our best to keep you smiling. You are loved so much by alot of people which says alot about you and is something to treasure, as some people go through life never having been loved. Here's to lots more fun times xx

  2. Your strength and determination is an inspiration. It really is as you say, like looking at someone so brightly illuminated by the sun. I'm only sorry that there is that black side too, for you.

  3. Thank you for sharing this Vicky, you remind me of why life is so precious and why it is so important to embrace every moment.

  4. This is so honestly and positively written. Even the parts about the very bad things you feel are positive because you are facing them, and admitting them. I hope it sheds a little light on the dark, and I am so glad that you see the very bright side too xxx

  5. Hi Vicky,

    I've never met you but was sent a link to your blog by a friend of mine. I hope you don't mind me commenting as I don't know you, but I just wanted to say how much this post touched me in its honesty. You write very eloquently and beautifully about what you are going through - and I don't think you should doubt what impact that can have on others. Inspiring is I'm sure a word you hear a lot, and its much used by other commentators on here, but it is true of you.