Of course the more this voice screams the more I scream! I scream at D, at my family, at strangers.... I just flip and take my anger and frustration out on the person immediately in front of me which really isn't fair. Then I feel guilty and blame myself for this whole situation, its my fault... I got sick, I made myself dependent on others for my care, my money and most of all I've upset them. Not just by my behaviour but my family and friends are quite clearly gutted. I get paranoid and think they treat me differently, look at me differently... I guess they do but I vary wildly between wanting that and not. Thing is at the moment apart from the fatigue and the odd hand tremor I'm fine, I can swing off trees, I play with the dog, ride horses, in fact I'm fitter than a lot of people I know! I know I won't always be but If its like this now how is it going to be when I am that sick...
I don't think I can stand the thought of that... maybe I should slip quietly away and spare them all???
Then something comes along and changes my perspective. Last night I received a letter with two concert tickets in the post anonymously; the letter wished me and D all the best and showed me that I am reaching strangers I would never have dreamed. Next week I should have some national coverage too and I am hoping (maybe selfishly) to spread a message further. Slowly I can start to see that I am making a difference however small; I am actually starting to believe in myself for the first time.
Unfortunately we were unable to attend but I did make sure the tickets were re-homed for a small price that went to charity. The letter I have kept and it is here beside me as I write; whoever you are you gave me some faith; a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. Thank you.
For many of us you have become a guiding star and we are all learning to seek and celebrate rays of sunshine x
ReplyDeleteThank you. All the best whoever you are :) x
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