Sleeplessness

In 2010 when I first became ill I wasn't sleeping. At first I put this down to stress of work, always thinking if only I could get to the end of this insane project then I would have a month off and spend it doing practising my Tai Chi, eat well and generally relax I would be able to sleep again. Turns out I had horrendous levels of cortisol in my bloodstream and the lack of sleep was down to this.

Recently I haven't been sleeping so well without the aid of Lorazapam and even then not a night goes by when I don't wake up at least once. Whilst in Wales I tried to limit my drugs down to simply Hydrocortisone (on which I am dependent and have no choice in) and it more or less worked; I had more energy, felt happier and generally more human. You see Lorazapam is not a true sleeping drug but an anti-anxiety drug and being tucked up in our holiday cottage in Snowdonia away from the reality of the world I wasn't particularly anxious. In fact I happily spent the week walking National Trust trails and visiting towns such as Caernarfon with its stunning views and castle!

Hiding in Snowdonia National Park

Technically I think the term is "To bury ones head in the sand"!! It was only on the journey home where I got to read some press and other social media articles (like the Daily Mirror piece) about me that I really began to think about the fact that my last sabbatical as a normal person is pretty much up. We have a lovely weekend including my cousin in law's Wine and Cheese 30th Birthday revisited (due to pregnancy last year) where we enjoyed presenting our authentic selection of Welsh cheese and a traditional Welsh punch! We also dressed the part and D was a coal miner and I was a daffydil!

Much fun and wine was had resulting in us lightweights having poorly heads but all was made better by the mornings latte and toasted hot cross bun in front of the Hollyoaks repeats :)

However still the hour draws nigh on the my next scan and hospital appointment. I'm pretty sure I know what the results will be and no amount of people encouraging me to think positively will make that nagging feeling go away. I am convinced the lack of sleep combined with minor changes to my face shape (that others either can't or won't see) and increased blood pressure signal major increase in tumour size. This is especially when the doctors have already made arrangements for chemotheraphy in the weeks ahead quote "just in case"-whatever! - the experts are sure the results will require action so I will have to steal myself for the fact that life as I know it now is about to change... again.