Now I really can't sleep. I lie here and I am not stressed, actually I feel rather content after a beautiful four course meal at the renowned Brovey Lair with my husband for valentines. Its been a perfect evening and although late and I have a long day tomorrow; sleep is not my friend.
I don't get up - I don't want to wake my husband; he needs the rest even more than I do the way he whirlygigs around me trying to do everything. It's probably a chemical thing that I am awake. I have a scan and tests the day after tomorrow so then I'll know for sure. We; me, my husband, my family and friends (and I guess you readers .... so um everyone) will know for sure.
I have been warned this is my last sabbatical from aggressive chemotherapy treatment and I won't lie the pressure has been creeping but I am doing my best to be positive but somewhere deep inside I think I feel like it's a done deal. I know, I know, think positive... it is not actually like I'm thinking negatively, I'm just thinking.
So what am I thinking about? Lots of things really; normal stuff - what are we going to eat for breakfast, I really do need to put a wash on, when is my phone bill due to come out and we should use that tesco fuel voucher.... because we have to drive to Addenbrookes in Cambridge and that is going to burn fuel like anything. We are going to be there from 9 30 for the scan until 12 30 for clinic (and end of clinic is always late) so I should remember to take my sketch pad and work on those tattoo designs while we wait - I've been meaning to do that for ages. Oh and I need to make sure what I wear doesn't have any metal in it because of the CT scanner... thinking of which, they will have put a canula in my arm for that so I should probably ask them to leave it there after because then they can use it in clinic later on.... I don't like the thought of waiting for the results and getting them in person this time - so often there is some guest doctor or student present because I am sooooo interesting - I don't want to cry in front of them and I won't be able to put the phone down.... must take tissues.... hmmm.... maybe I should take some lorazapam during the day too... just to take the edge off and help with the not breaking down or snapping at my husband during the wait.
Ok so I am not really thinking about normal things at all am I? I apologise for the ramble but that is how my mind whirrs on and on when I am awake and still. It is getting to a point where anything and everything I do is touched in some way by this disease. It is frustrating, actually it's downright un - f - ing fair but what can be done? Acceptance.
Add to my to-do list: accept the things I cannot change, change what I can and try to learn the difference.