A day has passed since the tests and I know that today my specialist is in clinic so I am anxiously waiting for that call. My phone has that hypnotic quality you usually only hear about in romance novels when the girl is waiting for the guy to call after a date. It is on loud and never away from my side but I still can’t stop checking it.
I have lied to my family too, and told them that I requested the results after the wedding (only two days away!) because if it is bad news I don’t want the day to be spoilt. It has been really stressful with the wedding plans this week but everyone says it comes together at the last minute so I can only hope they are right! The stress has still reached the point where I am secretly considering cancelling, not for one second because I don’t want to be married to D – I really really do, but I just don’t give a damn about flowers or ribbons right now. However I know that this party will provide memories for people to cherish and that is what keeps me going.
It is four o’clock in the afternoon and I have heard nothing from the hospital. I am going to have to ring…. Eventually I get to speak to my Dr…..Ready? …There is a small amount of growth in most tumours but only a small amount, which considering I have received no additional treatment is, as she says, “encouraging”. YAY!!! Um I think. It hasn’t actually sunk in yet as I was pretty sure of the worst. Now I can tell people: D, my rents and family etc and not that it is ever pleasant talking about cancer it is a relief to be able to give them good news.
The wedding is getting so close and whilst there is a lot to do at least I can get stressed over that instead. First off my nails need doing, I have to plan my getting-ready regime and actually pack and get over to my parents. There are minor panic points where I want to elope and I am so nervous about everyone looking at me walking (or potentially tripping) up the aisle. These points don’t really bare thinking too much about in retrospect because they inevitably cause me to spiral into a black hole of despair over my situation. The one thing I know for certain is I do want to be make this commitment, I want to be with D for the rest of … I was going to say my life but that’s morbid so… forever really. So as they say: “On with the show!”