Here it is . . words most of the time fail me or at the very least I find it a challenge to express how I feel. V has asked me to contribute my view to her blog; a view from the outside of what I can only be described as a hurricane of emotions. This hurricane has a real bite to it and one with very few shelters for V to seek refuge. I so desperately try to stand tall against the force of this hurricane and the debris it throws, so I can reach through and carry some of the burden that is on V’s shoulders but, it hurts to say, despite every molecule of my existence screaming and searching for an answer, the answer, I can’t calm the eye of the storm.
The lead up to the wedding and the return from Mexico, is somewhat of a blur. We have so many decisions to make; regarding the wedding itself, the decision of whether to go for another scan before the wedding and for me personally, to speak to my work and also sort out V’s birthday (which is the day after our wedding). Her birthday has to be utterly perfect as this is no less than V deserves and it pains me to say that with the shadow that this illness casts, by shooting for perfect just maybe, for a moment, V will be able to see some light and be in the moment!
As you will have read, V has been struck down with a stomach bug on our return from Mexico for a little under a week, so she has to face all of this while feeling even more fatigued than usual. Fatigue. Such an underrated condition, however being alongside and getting a front seat view of just how painful it can be I truly believe the word ‘fatigue’ deserves to sit alongside others such as ‘torture, horrendous and trapped’. You get the point I’m sure. I remember vividly holding V up both physically and emotionally as we walk through the shopping centre for the the bridesmaids chose their dresses. It’s clear just how much of an effort this is taking and how truly drained she is.
The build up to our wedding is certainly exciting, and thanks to pure- amazing- hard work and kindness from a group of loving people it looks set to be a truly special day. As part of these preparations we travel up north to see Linda, a truly kindhearted soul who has offered to tailor make V her very own one of a kind wedding dress. So a road trip party consisting of me, V and Joey (maid of honour) head up north and meet Katie, V’s sister and bridesmaid, at Linda’s studio. While there is a feeling of excitement in the air there was no mistaking, in my mind, the anxiety and deep worry that V is carrying. In essence this pivots around her changed appearance; a day to day battle but now magnified because this is her wedding dress and all the ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ of looking perfect involved. In my mind V is beautiful and cannot fail to take my breath away so I understand that she has to feel it too. So fingers crossed very tightly that V feels amazing in her dress.
It’s a strange day for me as I drive the girls to Linda’s studio then, as I am not allowed to see the dress, I head off to find a local cafe and wait for the call. I only waited for an hour or so but each second seemed to take an eternity. I get the call and head back to the studio and although V was rather quiet, the smile on her face said it all . . get in!!
The next day holds a stark contrast from the previous as we head off for a CT scan appointment at Addenbrookes. V goes through these days in a clinical manner, striving to keep her emotions in check while the hurricane is lying beneath so what can seem a calm exterior, isn’t! At one point, following the scan itself, V breaks down crying and while it hurts so very much to see the person you love be in such turmoil it feels healthy that V is expressing her emotions. I just wish we could find someway to free V of having to be here. I, as her husband to be, should be able to protect her from all things!! But devastatingly this is something I cannot do.