The Illusion of Normality

So now we are home at the barn and our HQ. Seems a long time and I am really looking forward to a couple of weeks of being a little boring! I want to just be for a bit; constant travel and enthusiasm is tiring and I would enjoy a quiet coffee with family and friends, a little reading and plenty of horse time.

I also want so time to think and reflect. The results of my scan have been discussed with the multidisciplinary team at Addenbrookes and I have spoken to my main Oncologist as to where "we" go from here. In her (and the team's opinion) I have probably gained all I am going to from the ECP protocol and they recommend moving on to another, second regime. Anything and everything at this stage is a bit of medical trial, as I have said so many times before, there is no cure.

From my point of view I am starting to feel better from not being treated. I am not so tired, I generally have more enthusiasm for socialising and significantly my hair has started to grow back! It is still very short but its thicker and defiantly longer!! The ironic downside to this is that I have to think about shaving my legs and doing my bikini line again; a paradox of my body being healthier but surely one of the everyday bains of being female!! The irony does not escape me that although my illness progresses it is the treatment that makes me feel and look so rotten! Now that I am recovering I am feeling much more normal! So the question that has been on my mind a lot is...

"Is the treatment worth it?"

It might have bought me a couple of months, but how much of that time did I spend feeling dreadful?? No one can give me answers as to wether the next treatment will have any effect but they can tell me it is back for nausea, fatigue and my hair will fall out again! It's a mind boggling choice and so for now I have decided to take a break for a month or so, build some strength and enjoy now. I will have a scan again in October and the the rate of growth will be determined. In the meantime I will just be monitored and treated appropriately for any symptoms caused by the cancer itself. This will give me more time to be 'normal' and to mull over the question of having anymore treatment in the future.

There is so much I want to do and see! We have had the Bucket List printed up on to canvas and mounted on the wall. Each stage can then be ticket off as we go; we have done 15 out of a hundred so far which isn't bad going at all for about a month! However that is still 85 to go, and sometimes I worry about getting it done within my allotted time especially without out it being becoming a pressure and therefore not fun and pointless! Selfishly, its my life and I want to enjoy as much as possible!!