Thank you for visiting, I hope you will find this blog of my journey both interesting and inspiring.

Monday, 4 June 2012

C'est la Vie

First of all I would like to say thank you for the messages I have received from both around the UK and around the world. Your messages of support mean a lot and they help to encourage me to continue documenting my story when I feel low.

Feeling low is the main reason I haven't written in the last week. I know I am always being told how brave and inspiring I am but that simply isn't true. I have moments of fight for sure but I most definitely have times when fear and sadness overwhelm me completely.

The last week has been a struggle to keep my head above water; with the accumulative effects of chemo hitting me harder as the weeks progress and the feeling the world is moving on without me. I hit some real low points where the negative gremlins had their claws into me to such an extent I have exhibited some truly damaging behaviour. Upsetting my husband and my mum whilst isolating or ignoring others. In the meantime becoming increasing people-phobic I have reduced myself into such hysterics that my fury lead me to repeatedly harm myself leaving huge welts across my head and face.

This behaviour is not something I am proud of or advocate in anyway but when I decided to write this blog I knew it had to be a truthful account or it would in no way help any other sufferer. After talking to my psychologist and GP I have started a new regime of antidepressants and am partaking in guided imagery therapy techniques. I also have been staying with my parents for the weekend because we are actually moving house, the timing of which wasn't planned to be so close to treatment but then my regime changed. However I was finding myself getting upset and exhausted simply packing the first box and so it was decided I would be better recuperating at my parents house. I do feel very guilty though that my husband has worked non stop to get us moved and settled in. I also feel useless and these emotions do not help my mental well being.

Somehow I am going to need to learn to accept I am not capable of what I once was but that it isn't my fault or that it undermines my value as a person. I'm not even sure where to start. I am even aware this isn't even a blog of my usual style; it doesn't feel good enough.

C'est la vie - literally.

Right now I am sitting in my parents kitchen on an old sofa with two dogs and classic FM playing and I must say I am feeling better. Not myself but better, so let's hope it continues, as there is much to look forward to this week and enjoyed if I can find a positive mindset. I'll keep you updated, or try to!


  1. Hi, thanks for being so honest, I follow your blog and I do find you an inspiration but that is not the only reason I follow it. I follow it because I am thinking of you and although I don't know you personally I am hoping that some things go well for you despite the terrible circumstances that you find yourself in. Although I cannot understand what you are going through I have been through dark times in my life and to that extent I feel empathy for you. I do hope that you feel peaceful and relaxed at your parents home and from what you have shared of your husband he sounds like he would never think you are useless and would not want you to feel that way. I know that you are valuable and you are precious just because of who you are and not for what you do, this is shown by the love your family have for you and the way you can cause others to care about you through your blog. I do hope you start to feel more positive, but remember you are allowed to feel bad and when you share this in your blog it helps us to connect with you even more. xxx

  2. You poor love, know how dreadful the negatives can be when they get you. Years of ME used to leave me so frustrated that my body was letting me down and my head was full of fog or noodles or on really bad days a combination of both. I decided in the end I wasn't going to let them (the negatives) win, nor was I going to allow my body the satisfaction of victory over my spirit or at least not without a damn good fight!
    I know I annoy people dreadfully these days but I still live by the same principle... find one little grain of positive. Hang on to that and from there build,little things, small pleasures, don't aim for Everest, just the next hill then it all gets back in proportion and becomes much more manageable.
    You have the love of your folks and a partner too so you are doubly lucky there, grab all the hugs and squeezes you can, even the gentlest of touch is good for the soul and of course,share your thoughts & worries. Shared is halved is so, so true. Hugs for now xx

  3. Hi Victoria,

    I just read your 'Letter to Darren', in the May Cosmopolitan magazine. I'm so sorry from the bottom of my heart that you're going through all of this. You poor girl! You're definitely an inspiration! You seem like such a strong woman. If I was in your place, I know I wouldn't be able to be as strong as you. Yours & Darrens love seems so strong and so pure. It's truly amazing. I can only hope one day I experience that love. It seems like you have a huge support system and that's great. I'm sure your husband is absolutely wonderful with helping you through this. I may have only read your story in the Cosmo magazine and in a few articles on the internet, but you both seem like incredible people. It hurts my heart knowing that you won't be able to live your entire life through with the people you love. I'm glad to hear that you are trying to live life to it's fullest! I will always being praying for you and for your family. I wish you the absolute best in your life and want you to know you have truly inspired me and your story has touched my heart! I'm going to keep following your blog and please keep us up to date with how you're feeling. As long as your well enough. Also, the wedding picture of you and Darren in the magazine is absolutely beautiful!

    All the best & Take care,
    Stephanie xx. God bless you!

  4. I understand your down days and im told its ok to have these. You want to scream and shout and say why me, and yes you do hurt the ones you love, i do at times. BUT we have good times at times and these are the things that keep us going. Take care xx

  5. missing your posts and thinking of you xx