First of all I would like to say thank you for the messages I have received from both around the UK and around the world. Your messages of support mean a lot and they help to encourage me to continue documenting my story when I feel low.
Feeling low is the main reason I haven't written in the last week. I know I am always being told how brave and inspiring I am but that simply isn't true. I have moments of fight for sure but I most definitely have times when fear and sadness overwhelm me completely.
The last week has been a struggle to keep my head above water; with the accumulative effects of chemo hitting me harder as the weeks progress and the feeling the world is moving on without me. I hit some real low points where the negative gremlins had their claws into me to such an extent I have exhibited some truly damaging behaviour. Upsetting my husband and my mum whilst isolating or ignoring others. In the meantime becoming increasing people-phobic I have reduced myself into such hysterics that my fury lead me to repeatedly harm myself leaving huge welts across my head and face.
This behaviour is not something I am proud of or advocate in anyway but when I decided to write this blog I knew it had to be a truthful account or it would in no way help any other sufferer. After talking to my psychologist and GP I have started a new regime of antidepressants and am partaking in guided imagery therapy techniques. I also have been staying with my parents for the weekend because we are actually moving house, the timing of which wasn't planned to be so close to treatment but then my regime changed. However I was finding myself getting upset and exhausted simply packing the first box and so it was decided I would be better recuperating at my parents house. I do feel very guilty though that my husband has worked non stop to get us moved and settled in. I also feel useless and these emotions do not help my mental well being.
Somehow I am going to need to learn to accept I am not capable of what I once was but that it isn't my fault or that it undermines my value as a person. I'm not even sure where to start. I am even aware this isn't even a blog of my usual style; it doesn't feel good enough.
C'est la vie - literally.
Right now I am sitting in my parents kitchen on an old sofa with two dogs and classic FM playing and I must say I am feeling better. Not myself but better, so let's hope it continues, as there is much to look forward to this week and enjoyed if I can find a positive mindset. I'll keep you updated, or try to!