The biblical character of Sampson was imbued with superhuman strength by God for as long as he kept the Nazarite oath; this involved him never cutting his hair. He performed many feats of strength before a woman, Delilah, bribed by his enemies discovered the source of his strength and cut his locks. Losing his strength he was captured and forced into manual labour.
Just over a week ago I effectively lost my hair and it feels my strength. Since then I have barely written and I will not insult your intelligence as to why. I didn't want to. At first losing my hair was a choice, a screw you to cancer, by taking what was going to be taken. Then for a couple of days it had a borderline novel value but after that it really sank in, my hair, a deeply defining symbol of my individuality and appearance was gone. I do not recognise myself; a feeling that goes so much deeper than the mirror.
Since then a slide into a deep and painful confused spiral where everything has been thrown into question. Everything. Even life itself.
That everything has earned me flashing lights with the medical staff and an appointment with a psychologist after the specialist oncology nurse saw the self inflicted bruises on my arms yesterday.
This is turning into yet another blog that looks to go unpublished because I am looking at it thinking what rubbish it all is, what is the point? I have lost my touch or maybe never had it because this here certainly makes no sense. Why would anyone what to read this trash? Is it simply car crash drama? Or is it because it's an easy way to find out what I am doing without the uneasy or maybe unwanted inconvenience of actually contacting me. Maybe it makes You feel better about your life? I don't know. To be honest I don't know much about anything anymore, I don't know what I'm doing or why, I don't know what I do or don't want to do and so I'm very much doing nothing. So no blog, there is nothing to say.