Thank you for visiting, I hope you will find this blog of my journey both interesting and inspiring.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012


The biblical character of Sampson was imbued with superhuman strength by God for as long as he kept the Nazarite oath; this involved him never cutting his hair. He performed many feats of strength before a woman, Delilah, bribed by his enemies discovered the source of his strength and cut his locks. Losing his strength he was captured and forced into manual labour.

Just over a week ago I effectively lost my hair and it feels my strength. Since then I have barely written and I will not insult your intelligence as to why. I didn't want to. At first losing my hair was a choice, a screw you to cancer, by taking what was going to be taken. Then for a couple of days it had a borderline novel value but after that it really sank in, my hair, a deeply defining symbol of my individuality and appearance was gone. I do not recognise myself; a feeling that goes so much deeper than the mirror.

Since then a slide into a deep and painful confused spiral where everything has been thrown into question. Everything. Even life itself.

That everything has earned me flashing lights with the medical staff and an appointment with a psychologist after the specialist oncology nurse saw the self inflicted bruises on my arms yesterday.

This is turning into yet another blog that looks to go unpublished because I am looking at it thinking what rubbish it all is, what is the point? I have lost my touch or maybe never had it because this here certainly makes no sense. Why would anyone what to read this trash? Is it simply car crash drama? Or is it because it's an easy way to find out what I am doing without the uneasy or maybe unwanted inconvenience of actually contacting me. Maybe it makes You feel better about your life? I don't know. To be honest I don't know much about anything anymore, I don't know what I'm doing or why, I don't know what I do or don't want to do and so I'm very much doing nothing. So no blog, there is nothing to say.


  1. God does not give us burdens he doesn't think we can handle. Never back down.

    I cannot imagine what you are going through and I know that after reading your story in Cosmo this month, even the thought of it was too much for me to handle. You are already a stronger woman than many of us could ever dream of being and this post makes me sad.

    This is not trash and remember, 'science goes only so far and then comes God'... your story isn't over yet.

  2. Although I have never met you, I have been a reader of your blog since reading a feature about your wedding a few weeks ago. I have been moved and inspired by what I have read, although I have always been to scared to comment before (I guess I thought you would wonder why I was!). I couldn't not write something today, because I couldn't let you think that what you are writing is trash. It definately is not trash. It is ok to feel p*ssed of and angry and confused...but you should know that you are giving a lot of people inspiration to live for the moment, so you should be very proud of that.

  3. Your not be able to cure this dreadful disease but the deep spiral is probably the only aspect that you are able to change and although I don't know you. you seem too much of a fighter to give up now??? PS I read your blog because it is inspiring and knowledgeable x

  4. hello Victoria Please dont give up writing you are such an inspiration to others in your position that cant find the words to say as you do ,You are a comfort and a rock my dear I know you need a rock right now ,But if you give up others will. I do not know you personally but i am so proud to know of you ,Not many people go through this life will leave thier mark as you have my dear,You are so badly needed out here please stay with us as long as you can you are such a brave young lady x

  5. You can dwell on the downside if you want to. You are entitled to make that choice. But you will be doing yourself a disservice. You will be looking at the situation from a perverse perspective. You will be forgetting that there is always a reason to doubt everything-and everyone. Nothing is so pure that it doesn't have a side-effect. Nothing is so straight forward that doesn't have complications. Try to remember that the darkest shadows are caused by the brightest lights. And be glad of what's shining in your heart now <3 <3 x

  6. :( no words can describe how unfare and just Dame s*it what you are going through is. I am in a fog too at the moment, but I don't have the reasons you do......and I hate that there are wonderful kind, inspiring people like yourself that have to indevor such struggles.....while I with no reason....hid under the Doona..... Know that when you are ready there are people out there that Are inspired by you and your words......I am
    Small steps, cuddle toast.....make your man a cuppa.....have a bath

  7. Like everyone else above I felt I had to write a comment after reading your post. I want you to know that I check your blog everyday. I think you are inspirational, real, honest, beautiful, and so strong. I admire how honest you are and how open you are about what you are going through. Please don't give up! You have inspired so many people and you remind me daily to keep pushing forward and enjoy what I have. I know you are going through a dark time, but know that there are many people out here who don't know you who think you are amazing.

    1. Hi there Victoria
      I just wanted to let you know that I read your article today in Cosmo and felt less alone than I have in days. Like you I have inoperable cancer and have always stayed away from cancer stories until this week when I was told that like you I cannot be fixed. Your positivity and story rang so true to me as I am 34 and was proposed to in Paris in February. I have a wonderful fiancé and we have now been faced with pulling our wedding forward to September. I am on my 3rd run of chemo now and will lose my hair for the second time in about 3 weeks. I am quite chubby now from steroids and will no doubt not look nearly as beautiful on my wedding day as you did on yours... Anyway after spending the week thinking why me, all I wanted was a couple of children and a loving husband, I have to say that my biggest fear is going to heaven alone. What will I do for the 40 years or so until my friends and family join me? If heaven is as I imagine it, there will be plenty of pubs and clubs where I can hang out and watch my loved ones below and laugh when thy laugh and send comfort from afar when they need it. I will need a drinking buddy if you fancy it... Anyway for the moment I am still here and can as you helped me remember still ride horses and get on a plane if they let me.. I also have a man that loves me (despite saying I look like Chris budgen ( an Exeter chiefs rugby player) you should look him up, it is a weird compliment...anyway, what I really wanted to say is Please dont give up.. It's not over till the fat lady sings and I have not started singing yet!!!! God bless xxxx bryony

  8. Thank you all for your comments, it is a comfort to know that people care. I won't give up fighting, I never really do.

    To Bryony, steroids suck, I know this first hand, to have your body taken from you. Thing is if there is your fiance, friends and family there loving you, they see something more than your physical appearance and you must take from that the fact that you, we are not defined by your outside but by what is within - your soul. I know it is not an easy acceptance and I struggle with it daily too especially in such a false society but I know it must be true.