I was, only thirty seconds ago, sitting on the sofa with my husband, I've taken a Lorazapam tablet after having been upstairs and yet again removed a handful of strands of hair from my head. I am as prepared to lose my hair as anyone can be I think but what is worrying me is the red patches on my temples. They are natural red and I am the only one of my four siblings to have inherited any red hair from my Dad's side. They are special to me, to my Dad and to my husband. LOL they are my excuse for my Irish temper! I am not upset, not really, sad yes, a little emotional but not out and out hysterical or anything.
Then I heard a Linkin Park song from Itunes on random. It's an amazing thing music; the way it sparks the memory. Being 17, in a rock club, drinking (yes underage.. whatever..) being an angry teenager, having an outlet from school. The same music I used to piss off my roommate at college... a refuge for suppressed anger. Looking back why was I so angry? Why did I persist in areas of life that I never enjoyed because I "Should"?
Why? Because I didn't think.
I didn't think this would happen to me. Who does? Who thinks that at 28 they would have a body riddled with tumours producing a stress hormone that messes with pretty much system you have? That the only answer, medically speaking, is to pump your body full of a range of different and equally poisonous chemicals in the hope of damaging the tumours more and faster than it damages you? I didn't.
I didn't think that my life would turn out this way; be this short. I know that wishing is a useless activity but if I did have a wish it was that I had had the epiphany of One Life: Live it!! sooner. All the things I could have done, learnt, seen, experienced. After all life is not really measured by how many time you take a breath but by moments that take your breath away. Yes I know its cliched but take it from me so very very true and I wish someone had pointed to out to me in HD vivid colour and Dolby surround sound a long long time ago.
For one I would never have put up with some of the jobs I have had. Some of the abuse I have taken off people. Never missed an opportunity that presented itself. Now despite everything that is how i strive to be... I dont always get it right so I'm not really in position to criticise but if you have your health and your not happy ask yourself why. Why are you staying in metaphorical place that makes you unhappy?
Let me put it this way. Yesterday I woke to birds singing in the sunshine, had a cup of tea and breakfast with my husband, went off for a ride on beautiful Andalusian horse, wandering round the country lanes and tracks at my own leisure. Came home to have a simple lunch with my best friend then we spent the afternoon gardening in the sunshine; digging flowerbeds and planting cheapy flowers. In the evening I handmade pizza for her and my husband which we shared with some Magners and a few rounds of cards with plenty of laughs. It was quite the heavenly, simple and relaxed day. My kind of day. Life is good and I enjoy it. I intend to carry on this way and never again follow a "should" that makes my life anything other than good and me and those I love happy.
LIVE. LOVE. LAUGH.... Yes it is that simple!!