Alongside all the festive goodness you'll have gathered I have been trying to address some of the darkness I was gradually sliding into. I have done several things; first off was to contact, my GP and Macmillan locally for support and for the first time to accept the help of antidepressants. Not keen on taking what would now be four different kind of drugs it took me two weeks to actually go and pick them up from the pharmacy. Longer to start taking them; but more on that in a moment. I have also started a more religious routine of resting and eating at the right times, taken up Pilates (two classes down now :)!) and thrown myself into the Imagine It venture and a fundraising event for Macmillan Cancer Care.
Part of this has really meant stepping out of my comfort zone; if you can call depression such a thing and addressing the issue at hand. Scarily... talking to people; new people. All sorts of questions can arise in these situations, even in the pub last night I had someone ask "So where do you work?" "er...." I haven't worked since July 2010 what with all this and now well nothing I do is for money, its because I want to have to, or I suppose feel I have to! I started this blog with the clear aim of giving people a idea of the reality of living with an incurable disease hopefully providing a fresh perspective and encouraging them to take advantage of their opportunities. I have had so much support in doing so and Imagine It is really starting to flourish; however it's not all candy floss and rose petals. Speaking to a gradually growing set of press and seeing more and more articles about myself is a one way ticket to maintaining the cause no matter how I feel and to be honest when I feel like crap and read something really inaccurate or insensitive written about me I really do consider giving up.
So after all that waffle here is where my convoluted point about wire mesh comes in. I have had to start to build a mental illusion of a wire mesh border around myself, topped with barbed wire and armed sentries at all the the gates; basically to limit how much of myself I give to the cause. D has really had to help with this and take some of the backlash when its not gone so well and I end up in tears. Clear boundaries between yourself and your life, be that your job or whatever it is your energy is invested into, is a good thing. If you don't take care of yourself how can you function at your most productive? A problem with which I have long fought and probably contributed to a disease of the very part of my body that manages my stress levels. It is not proven to have any link but for me, knowing my past and the way I had been driving myself physically, mentally and emotionally for about two years does not seem so much of a coincidence?
As for this wire mesh; well it is a work in progress and will remain so, being fluid and flexible enough to grow and cope with new heights and challenges along the way. I will keep you updated as always.