"Beautiful, glorious and self sacrificing for renewal, you build a pyre and set yourself ablaze for the sake of self.
Red bird of fire you came forth through your ashes a new bird, shedding the old self that is no longer needful.
You embrace your new strength and fly to the heights of the sky, to the city of the sun and give your ashes unto the altar of the sun god for your immortality.
Embrace yourself for you are the child of the sun and will live eternal through birth, death and renewal.
The spirit never dies."
The Phoenix by Rebecca Wiles
Featuring in many ancient cultures the Phoenix is a eagle like red and gold mythical bird that combusts and is reborn from the ashes; it is described by Feng Shui Master Lam Kam Chuen as "representing our capacity for vision, collecting sensory information about our environment and the events unfolding with in it. The Phoenix, he says, with its great beauty creates intense excitement and a deathless inspiration.
I wait all day with anxiety for the scan results; when eventually the doctor calls I am straight to the point; no "how are you?" just "whats the score?" I need to know.
The tumours in my abdomen; those in my adrenal bed and attached to my liver have grown... significantly. The three smaller tumours in my lungs seem to have done nothing and there are new mets.
The blood tests show a raise in hormonal excess, meaning these tumours are indeed active and will make me sick again. I will be in clinic next week to discuss where we go from here.
Calm as I am on the phone, afterwards I sob my heart out. I feared I would not be so lucky this time and it would seem I was right. Am I now for the IV chemotherapy? For two days now I have felt so low, with barely an interest in moving, I'm tired, bitter and resentful, I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere. I talk some things over with D and my family in regards to what might be the plan of action and I'm still being contacted by the press asking for features. How can I help with Imagine It when I feel like this?
Gradually though, a flame inside me somewhere flickers back to life, a semblance of the old fire and fight. It's a flame carefully nurtured to life exactly this time last year when things had been so so dark for me yet I made a conscious decision to get up and start over, redefine myself and my life whatever it may hold. I got up and I did it, it wasn't easy but I did. Symbolically it started with having a stylised phoenix tattooed on my back inspired from by some song lyrics about rising from the dust. I went out to see friends, met up with D, faced my fears and since have had the most amazing year of my life! Everything has changed and for the better!
I didn't know then I would be in the position I am now with reoccurrence but on the other hand then I had nothing. Now I have everything I want and need to help me up again. Now whilst I feel burnt by the news as if I were the Phoenix itself I must embrace this new stage of life, whatever it may hold and continue forward.