Thank you for visiting, I hope you will find this blog of my journey both interesting and inspiring.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

The Winter In Me

Holly Brook

When the autumn colors pass
Through the season's hourglass
It is then you'll find winter in me
When November's grass is browned
By the frost upon the groundhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB7MjQpgDbg
Once again you'll find the winter in me
But underneath the fallen snow
Lies a harvest yet to come
For just as spring is guaranteed
Life is etched into the seed
Time to welcome the winter in me

Todays post is a somewhat despondent one. I have spent the last few weeks revealing in the new found freedom that not having chemo has brought to me and the increasing strength and energy that has gifted me. Autumn has become symbolic of this, I didn't really enjoy the heat of the summer being unable to take full advantage of it. However the bright autumn days have been glorious. 

Unfortunately for me my cancer does not stand still, it is not quiet and it needs full time symptomatic treatment to stop it making me sick even if I am not actively undergoing treatment to slow it down. This is because the multiple tumours I have give out irregular amounts of hormones that disturb my bodies equilibrium in so many ways. Most recently this has been an increase in a mineral cortical steroid for which I have been taking a drug called sprionolactone. This is supposed to bring down my increasing blood pressure, stop me from retaining excess water and balance my hormones. I have been taking it for a month now and mostly what I have noticed is my abdomen is often uncomfortably distended, my tongue has developed ulcers and I have developed acne on my chest. my Blood pressure does not seem to have dropped either!

However the real glory is that (sorry folks but you wanted the details) that I seem to need to pee about five times a night. This is not helping my essence of calm!! In fact the despondency that my autumn is coming to an end is creeping upon me as the shadows grow longer and the winter winds start to steal the leaves.

It is a matter of weeks now until I have my next set of check ups and find out what these tumours have been doing with their free reign! Will it be time for the doctors to have another shot at persuading me to go for another regime of chemo; the very thought could bring me tears. I can't face the sickening undertow of drugs right now. There is so much to look forward to, these months are my favourite of the year...

Birthdays including my own! 29 and Proud!!
Fireworks night
My 1st wedding anniversary for which we have already booked Rome ( a multiple bucket list destination) I might only get one and I want this one!!!
Londons Winter Wonderland  

And my favourite favourite favourite season of all! Christmas! The warm glow of mince pies and mulled wine, family togetherness, the cards, the wrapping, the tree! Is it so selfish to want that just one more time? I never know what is around the corner; I suppose no one does but I do know my are limited and if I can just hold out on normality a little longer maybe I can start fighting again in January? I will have to wait and see.

Don't worry this despondancy will hardly last for long I have a to-do list as long as the great wall of China; for the Bucket List to working on Imagine It and it;s associated projects. They give me a real sense of being alive and having purpose. I will find a way.

Please visit Imagine It on Facebook and "Like" the page you can then get updates on the projects we are running and can get involved too!

1 comment:

  1. That doesn't sound at all selfish, everyone should get to enjoy christmas. Rome is beautiful, you'll love it!