At the moment I spend a lot of my time asleep. Frequently I have nightmares; not quite what you'd expect, they usually come down to my usual type of worries... maybe your everyday type worries too. However more and more I dream of travelling, of foreign places I'll never see. Maybe this is a form of running away that my mind provides; an escape. As the chemo and the reality of my imminent dimise hits harder, I slip into a denial of life and at times a dark cloud of depression. I don't enjoy eating and feel little interest in things. Of course I have my lighter moments, times I am distracted, but I worry these are becoming fewer.
And so I dream; all the things I want to do and want to see. They range from the tangible dreams of the happiness of friends and family and of the future I expected to have, to the outlandish, of walking the Inca trail with the ease of a local, climbing the three peaks in record times, of travelling Route 66 in an old style Cadillac just for the hell of it. Of pioneering Imagine It to be a famous organise, one that people talk about, listen to and that changes lives.
Whilst I am dreaming I am happy but that comes with the price of waking up, of knowing it was all a dream and in that moment I prefer the nightmares. In the long term dreaming does not benefit me, I have to face up to the fact that I have cancer and it is not going away. Each moment I have is indescribably precious and I must treasure, savour everything blessing. I found that hard before, when I had little to complain over and yet now when it is more difficult I must try even harder to see the light through the clouds.