Diary of a bottle

I think I should acknowledge I've been one very lucky bottle. You see we 24hr urine collection bottles all start our lives the same; a big storage cupboard in a doctors clinic. Way I hear it (from the rest of the bottles in the cupboard.. tho' it could be rumour or teasing from the other kind of sample collectors) is that we get farmed out with a patient and stay in their bathrooms where we basically keep hold of all their urine for a day and night then back we go to the doctors then off to a lab where chemistry-types empty us out and thus is our lot in life.

Mine wasn't like that exactly. True it started the same, and I did see the inside of my patients bathroom, but after that I really wasn't expecting what happened next. For a start, the patient must empty their bladder completely that first morning... y'know start afresh... make sure it's exactly all for 24hrs; which to be fair is what she did. I must have dozed off though because a little later I was awoken by her swearing profusely. I don't understand much human but I'm guessing she forgot.... bit awkward but I mean what can I do?

Later continued much as I expected until about midday when all of sudden I was sealed tight in a plastic bag and then plunged into the darkness of another bag and was carried off!!! It most certainly had not been 24 hours yet!! Had I done something wrong? Did she not understand? I had been led to believe from my introduction this patient knew what she was doing!!

After a short trip in the car (I don't know where... I was in a bag remember.) We arrive somewhere with a lot of other humans; I could hear them talking. Soon I realised we where in some kind of human meeting place called a pub and my patient seemed to be there to have lunch with family. In fact they did proceed to discuss and then order drinks and food. Very novel for me even hidden in a bag, I really didn't see much however expect when the large bag was swiftly opened and the bottle of freaky looking yellow pills next to me briefly extracted and returned. Metyrapone I understand is the drama queen type drug that will insist on making a patient feel sick if she doesn't get to eat too; ironic for a drug that battles steroid caused weight gain?? But what would I know!

There was much general discussion of which, as I said, I understand little. However later talk turned to steroid levels and medication... due to my upbringing these are words are ones I did recognise. Voices became tense and all of sudden I was whisked away in my bag and after bumping into several things in my patients haste and crammed through a small door before being released to my freedom in a very very small bathroom cubicle with gaps all over the place, like under and over the door!! It was all a bit of a kerfuffle and my patient seemed increasing distressed especially when other humans started to try and open the door and say something like thats not opening. In the end she sat on the toilet and I thought she really was an amateur at this until I realised the water was coming from her eyes instead... utterly confused.

Five minutes later and she had pulled herself together (I was starting to worry) then I was hastily put back in my bag and off we went again.

For a few hours life was quiet and I was back in the bathroom at home. I had just given up reflecting on the weirdness of it all and how much I would have to tell to other bottles when suddenly the whole thing started to repeat... crammed in the dark bag I waited in anticipation to find out where I would end up this time! This second place was called by the humans a cinema (sp?) and they snuck me in amused by the fact that apparently another bag smelled strongly of illicit popcorn and the staff really wouldn't want to search!! How rude, I mean, I perform a noble and completely essential function for health!!! Why would anyone be embarrassed about me??!!

Again here I saw my patient in the small confines of a cubicle; this one not so clean and a lot less spacious; but at least she seemed in better spirits despite this. I didn't see anything of the film, but they seemed to enjoy it.

She visited me a couple of times during the night and then it was back to the clinic next day. And here I am now waiting for those chemistry types I was told about and telling you my story!