The Weight of the World - written 18/09/11

****** Warning emotive content - not for family. *******

It's all too much for me. I can be positive, but right now I can't - it's all too much! I know I am tired. I know that it is times like these I should call out to those to those around me for help. I know that this is something that no one expects me to be able to do alone but right now it is all too much.

Instead I'm curled up on the sofa... the sofa that's only weeks old, just like a lot of the furniture in our house... the house for D's and my new life. I've wrapped myself in a blanket as I feel cold and the need to be comforted and the tears seep then pour down my cheeks. I simply don't understand how all this happened.... how can I be dying??? I have to take those deep body wrenching breaths to catch up on my oxygen... How can my lungs have tumours in them? I can breathe!!! I AM breathing!!!

D is upstairs, I can hear the clunk of weights from the gym room where he is working out. I know if I went up there I could bury my head in his chest and seek comfort in his love but I also know it wouldn't change anything. Not really. So instead I am here, with Toastie curled up beside me; I feel so guilty that he and all the animals can pick up on my sorrow and I feel like I shouldn't be inflicting it on those so innocent.

So many things I could do but I'm not. I'm simply letting this overwhelm me. Letting the grief wash over me in waves. Grief for myself, for Toast, for D, for my family. I have never been one for a great sense of self esteem yet now I am terrified for them all, what are they going to do, going to feel, when I am gone?

My hands are shaking.... I am trying to convey the turmoil within but I'm not sure it will make any sense.

D has come downstairs for a glass of water; checking on me he says

 "You look like you're carrying a lot of weight"

I laugh. How ironic, he knows me so well yet he doesn't know what I am typing... he will of course when I pluck up the courage to publish this! It won't be now. But I should and will. I can't pretend that I am always positive it wouldn't real and wouldn't truly represent those in my position. It doesn't matter how strong you are, what your situation; there will always be times when the weight of your world will be too heavy to bear. At least with all things it is, one way or another a temporary thing, nothing will last forever. All sparks burn out; it is just a matter of when. This will pass.