Feeling better, feeling worse...

The thing with feeling a bit better is you can start to feel worse. Last week was harder than I expected, I know the chemo is going to have an accumulative effect but after round one I was just a little tired. This time I felt rough. Day three was actually the worst with a combination of a badly canulated hand that still hurts four days later and being left around so long - I was in the unit from 9 30 until gone 5. Its a long day and despite my best efforts in hindsight I realise I became dehydrated because my electrolytes where out of whack.

Coming home Thursday night I was partly held aloft by that thought - coming home! But I was tired and a large part of the following day was spent asleep. Yesterday I also did very little, a couple of small walks and watched some DVD's, also a few people have visited which was lovely. Today however, I am feeling better physically, less hit by truck more a small car :). For me this allows my mind to play tricks.

"you're better you should be doing.."
"now your head isn't pounding have you noticed how irritating the bruising on the backs of your hands is?"
and my favourite
"oh so you think your going to get dressed in something other than joggers.. try those favourite jeans... oops sorry did I just set you up for the fall of them feeling too tight ... but then you have spent a week just sitting on your ass!!.. when was the last time you went for a run??"

My mind is not pleasant to me and hence I actually feel worse in some ways for feeling better. At least I recognise this to some extent and can head it off a little... although the jeans thing really stung... those are French Connection jeans you know!! Fit like a glove before.. ah before, before, my thoughts always like to remind me of before even if I wasn't happy then I was thin and I had hair... Living in the past is a dangerous and unsatisfying pastime. To cut a long story short, being ill sucks but I am hoping to embrace the couple of weeks I get off before going back and keep to some new resolutions; because its never too late right?

Before I finish I want to thank the people who have helped me through.. Fynn.. as if I could do anything without you. Clare who got me the blue sky view on the last day... honestly I'd have gone mad. Joey for giving up so much time to sit with me. Clare for visiting even when you were having a crappy day yourself. Claire for trying to ring, I'm sorry you didn't get through. Daddy for the light switch :) and dinner. Everyone who visited Friday and Jen who sent supplies :). Mum and Kate for the DVD's and Cake. And finally Mel; this is the biggest Lindt Bunny I've ever seen; if I'm honest we're all a little overawed by it and it has embarrassed all the other bunnies (try to spot the mini one in the pic below!)

Toasty guarding the chocolate!