He is right, as much as I preach about stressing yourself out, I am still learning. Having said that I've had some slightly more than minor adjustments to make the last few days. For one on Sunday I had had enough of my hair decorating everything in sight; my pillow, the floor, the bath and me. So I asked my husband to clip it off. It seemed like I was taking control and denying the cancer and the chemo the satisfaction from taking my hair from me by taking it myself but when you are sitting front of a mirror with a towel round your shoulders and clippers about to do a Britney Spears, it isn't quite so simple!
Cue drama followed by deep breaths and then bye bye hair. I'd usually post a picture but I will just admit I can't bring myself to show you all because quite simply I feel so horribly unattractive it makes me sick and I can't bring myself to show you yet.
The next test for me is to actually wear one of the wigs I have. When it comes to it I find the whole idea horrifying and nearly bottle going out, not least because as an experiment we haven't yet told anyone my real hair is gone and what if they notice! Quite honestly I couldn't take the idea of someone asking if I was wearing a wig despite the fact I have posted the purchase of them all over the internet and it would be a fair assumption! Once again however I do go through with it and no one realises until I tell them. This is a good thing but it is strange wearing your hair even if no one knows, you do, and it doesn't feel right or move right and so it makes you feel very self conscious. Safe to say I think I have a long way to go before I am anywhere near used to it!
Lastly for today.... which was another lovely long hospital day of needles where I return with inner elbows resembling that of a junkie... we have escaped and are fighting through the rush hour traffic home when I get an urgent message from my specialist nurse at Addenbrookes saying the lab has flagged up that my potassium levels are low and can I come back?
Long story short... no... we have no diesel, no money and we are stuck in traffic knowing the dog has been shut in for the last eight hours... I ask if it can wait?... No I need it tonight... Ok... now they didn't tell me what the result was in a number form but I'm guessing it must be pretty damn low if they think it can't wait until morning. Apparently low potassium can effect your heartbeat ... not good. So the last part of the journey home was a race of diesel consumption verses time to get to my GP where they managed to arrange (for once... don't start me on pharmacies!!) for me to pick some up. Drama drama drama.
The expression that "It never rains but it pours" really seems to apply to my life at the moment. No matter how simple I try and keep things life flags up just another problem as soon as I might just have a grip on it all. For me and my husband it is a constant battle to "Stay calm and eat a cupcuke.." or however the saying goes nowadays and it can come with an overwhelming temptation to stop fighting and let entropy take its natural course!
Never stop fighting! I may not have known you that long Vicky but I'm pretty sure that I know you well enough to know that this is a down day and tomorrow you'll be fighting with that truly amazing spirit that we have all learnt about lately. As for dramas, well life would be boring without them and by the way I can't wait to see you with your wig or without, you are beautiful and that will shine through. Great that people can't even tell the difference when you wear them, they looked great in the pictures and i can only imagine even better when you are wearing them. Now stay strong and I'll see you this afternoon for a hug xx
ReplyDeleteOh my darling, I do feel for you. I lost some of my hair a few years back and it was the most gut wrenching feeling I think I have ever had. I used to feel scared seeing it on the pillow and floor and shake. My reasons for this hair loss were different to yours but just as crushing. I carried on as normal the best I could but the secret I carried burned a hole in my spirit and I felt constantly flat knowing that one day I could wake up and it would all be gone. It is very hard for people to understand the feelings of unattractiveness but I know this feeling well and put on lots of weight because thats how I coped with the pain.
ReplyDeleteYour hair loss does not make you unattractive, in fact the opposite, it makes you more beautiful because it's a symptom of your Chemo and not something most will endure.
Keep smiling and don't let this part bring you down sweetheart. Much love Mel Turner x x x
Thank you both xxx
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