Shopping, cooking, wrapping, decorating.... the list goes on as you know. It is difficult not to get caught up in the stress of it all. I should know better by now but somehow I still find myself placing a lot of importance on this one day. It has always been a day I love and as a perfectionist I want this year to be exactly that; perfect. I mean for all I know it could be my last.
Last year was not a good Christmas. I was trying to settle on a preventative drug regime and it was making me feel like hell, especially when I had not fully recovered from a major abdominal operation and felt that I had lost everything. No job, no new Uni course, no boyfriend, virtually no friends or at least ones that were around much (because I had isolated myself). I was ashamed of what had happened, the way I looked and the medication was causing such nausea and fatigue it really wasn't helping.
So I remember going through Christmas like a robot; I collapsed from fatigue when shopping, I couldn't face any social event and on the day itself I couldn't taste the meal and felt so very aware my family seemed to have tried to compensate but buying me loads of presents. When it came to opening each in turn I must have had at least ten more than everyone else. By the new year I had hit rock bottom and hit it hard. But somehow I found the strength to pick myself up again; that what 2011 has been about for me.
So this year why do I find myself on the dark side again (see a previous post)? Well the cancer coming back would certainly throw me off course just when I thought everything was going so wonderfully, but I hoped to have learned a lesson from all I went through. All this fuss for one single day? Yes it is when I get to see everyone all together and there have been traditions associated with this but which is more important? Well, I'm definitely going to see everyone- so no worries there. Then is the cake being burnt going to ruin everything? Are the presents being wrapped in newspaper going to mean the gifts are any less special to the people I give to? And if the decorating isn't fun; is it going to be something I can kick back, look at, and enjoy? No. Wish I could get this through my thick skull!
Eventually, like with a lot of things I have to economise because of fatigue but not before putting D through an immense amount of stress too. And really I shouldn't have worried because the few days over Christmas were the best. (More on those days next..) But for now I am reflecting that I need to establish whats important to me and thats having the people I love happy and around me above and beyond everything else. So if the washing up isn't done yet and I havent got any make up on, so what? I'm off to meet D from the gym early with a big smile on my face. :)
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