Reality Strikes

When we arrive at Gatwick its about 7am GMT - read 1am Mexican time. I've only napped and it puts, my hydrocortisone schedule all out. Apart from that all has gone smoothly so far travel-wise although D did feel very rough on the plane; something he ate bad maybe?

We are on our way home when a sort of downward spiral begins; having done the usual baggage collection and sought out the car we have finally tracked down coffee when reality rears its ugly head head for the first but not only time. My ex (an unpleasant story I am not going to share publicly) sent a message to D (not to me!! Hello??? I'm not actually dead yet!!!) while away, basically because he has heard my news and as I feel it at that moment, wants to gloat. Angry doesn't cover it for either of us.

By the time we are back at my parents we are both exhausted and I at least can say for sure I am feeling extremely unwell with a stomach bug. Therefore most of the day is spend in bed or in the bathroom. However  the adventures are not over and with a mere five weeks to go to the wedding in a rush before the follow up tests and potential treatment there is a great deal to do. My ma and her crew have gone all out on this but the next morning I am propped up in bed, temperature slightly subsiding thanks to paracetamol with a image board and a team of people asking so many questions my head is spinning. This scenario carries on as I force myself up physically (something I have long become used to) to visit the reception venue and bridesmaid dresses. I am trying my best to be interested and think logically about the day but mostly I want to lie down. The women in the dress store comments I don't look happy with the dresses; actually the long flowing navy dresses are perfect and since both girls are happy with them, therefore so am I. Its just I can only just about keep on my feet now let alone express any excitement now. In fact one more comment like that and she can do one!

This wedding is about D and I making an unbreakable bond beyond the rest of my life. The party is about our friends and family being happy but as the week progresses so does the stress and my illness doe not seem to subside. After 3 days of being able to keep very little food in my system I am advised to visit my GP in case this is more than a simple stomach bug; anything more complicated could see someone like me in hospital very quickly!!

To add to my stresses I know I have the follow up scan and tests to come, yet there are no appointment cards through?! A mis-communication over whether I want to know before the wedding... good point... do I? Do I want to know just how bad the situation is, do I want those who love me to know? In the end the appointments are booked because I at least can't stand not knowing what this cancer is doing to my insides much longer...I want to know how long I have left!! Of course this will mean more to fit in before the 12th, and in this case not anything I will enjoy. Running and distraction has worked for a while but the harsh reality is that I have to actually deal with my demise soon, and its not like someone is just going to turn out the lights. I am already on that downward slide of illness, feeling a little worse all the time and knowing as it has been so hauntingly put to me "this is as good as it is going to get".