First day of the last 15/09/11

Sitting in hospital waiting rooms long became old school to me. It started a few years back with Glandular fever from which I never seemed to truly recover; from chest infections to depression. I used to be super healthy so I feel this illness was the beginning of something. That something turned out to be ACC (Adrenal-cortical carcinoma) a rare and dangerous cancer. When it was initially diagnosed as such I was rushed to hospital and after stabilisation with drugs, underwent a huge open abdominal operation to remove a 11cm tumour from the top of my left kidney.

After a year of taking an adrenal suppressant and having 'clean' scans I am back here waiting. My fiance and my Dad are with me. We are drinking Costa coffees and joking over the poor quality of the waiting room magazines but we are all on edge knowing its bad news: the question is just how bad? Less than half an hour later I am hearing the words.... mass in the adrenal bed, spleen, diaphragm and lungs. The cancer is back, not only is it back its in multiple locations and inoperable. There is no effective cure for ACC but some aggressive chemo might slow it down. 

I know I continued to talk through the logistics with the Dr but I don't remember much of what was said except "I'm sorry, this is terminal"............. Terminal. I am going to die. I can feel the tension from the men who love me; my fiance and my dad. I feel blank even bordering on a weird kind of euphoria. All that wait all those questions; it's over. They're are over but so is my life, my future, my..... 

It's much later.... but I break. The bubble has burst. The euphoria is replaced with rage, terror, confusion. I've never cried so much. Its no understatement to say that cancer changed my life... but do I really have a life anymore? By the time I am home I have oscillated wildly between giving up all hope and and a Die Hard form of fighting fury but the day ends with another tablet, this one to knock me out, I have be up at five and back to hospital tomorrow for a follow up scan. Today has been the first of my last days.